My story

Its been quite a while since I came back from Australia. Emotionally, I felt much better but those 3 years nightmare in Australia had left a very bad side effect on me now.

I am trying to pick myself up. I am trying to forget those dark memories and live on. Somehow, life seems to be so cruel to me. I thought the dark memories can make me stronger but up to now, I am still struggling within myself.

I avoiding strangers, for I find them nuisance. I don't bother making new friends coz I just wish to be alone. I became reserve. Except for my boyfriend and close friends, I completely shut my world to others especially my parents; for I don't want them to see my insecurities.

My Parents:

A contradicting feelings for them. I resent them for not being able to understand me, for leaving me all alone when I need them, for loving me less than my sister, for making me feel like an out cast. I never feel I am part of the family. I always wonder whats the point bringing me to this world when they don't even want to care for me. Theres a statement by an author which I think its very true :
ALL PARENTS DAMAGE THEIR CHILDREN. Youth, like pristine glass, absords the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.

Despite the hatred, I still love them. They are still my parents afterall. and coz of that I am feeling so gulity for disappointing them. I know they lost hope on me for they count on me, but I let them down. I feel precisely the way my mother always describle: stupid, good for nothing, low intellecture, pig-brain....

I think I am really useless. I try to feel good about myself but theres no way I can convince that. I dunno what is the reason for my existance .Perhaps if one day I gone, I will soon be forgotten. Who will miss me if Im gone? Who will cry for me? Maybe only my boyfriend and close friends will remember me.

Friends:

Friends are getting lesser these days. Those whom I thought are my best friend hardly contact me now while those whom seldom look up to me in the past stay by me. It makes me realise who my real true friends are. They are there to share my ups and downs and of course I share their life too.

I don't have many friends left now. Could it because they feel I never accomplish anything, a good for nothing fellow? I don't give a shit what they think of me now. All I want is to cherish my remaining friends. They are the once who bring laughter to my life


My boyfriend:

He is the only one who tells me the world is still wonderful place . He shows me that Love is actually everywhere. He brings sunshine to my life. Thanks for everything.


Me:

I wish to live a simple and normal life, but life is too cruel sometimes. I wish I could go back to my carefree days when I have nothing to worry or unhappy about, but i dun have the power to turn back the time. I want to be strong to handle life, but i know I am weak. I don't want to be trap inside this 'unhappy well' forever, I just one to be happy.

Can someone help me?