Disappointed

Im back again.

All I can say now is, my heart is bleeding badly.... Can god tell me what I should do?

Lost

Its been long since I last wrote on my blog. I guess this blog has been long forgotten; which can be a good thing as this can be a channel for my secret hideout.

Years passed. When I read through this blog, I realised that how much have changed but I still achieve nothing all these years. I also get to learn that the more hopeful I am, the more disappointment I will get.

I feel that I failed in my career and my relationship. As for relationship, after almost 6 years together, I longed for a happy ending but he never proposed. I seriously doubt if he is committed to me. Until today, he is still broke. Y am I dating with someone who doesnt have any idea how to manage his finance, how have no urgency to settle down with me and a slacker. Disappointed. Full of disappointment.

I don't know who I can turn to. I feel so lonely suddenly. Cried. Cried the whole day. But what can crying do? It cant help to improve the situation.

Speaking of improving situation, I thought I had tried my very best to help him in anyway. Yet, no improvement but instead, its getting worst. I'm tired. Really tired. I don't know what I should do to help him. No words can describe how tired I am. I ran out of idea of how I can help him.

Yes, I know life is about choice. I can choose to dump him. However, there's always a 'but' in life. My 'but' is.. I don't know why it is so hard to give him up. I'm confuse. I don't know what I should do. If God really exist, can he guide me?

My Final day

I have been waiting for this day for so long. I cant imagine I dutifully serving this company for one year and one month. I am so relief. I do hope I can have a brand new start at my new working environment.

Wish me luck!!

I am stupid

He says I am stupid, just because I do not know certain things. Who are born to know every single information in all aspect.

Since young, my parents told me I am stupid, pig brain. Am I really so stupid? Am I really so worthless?

That is emotional abuse. Those abusing words coming out of the mouth of your love ones hurts badly.

Do you still love me?

You promise me you want to bring comfort to my life
You promise me you will want to share my burden
You promise me you will ease my suffering
You promise me you will take care of me unconditionally

I believe you will honor your promise
I believe in you
but
You break your promise
You break my heart

I insisted you are the one, when the world do not agree on our relationship
I turn my friends away who thinks you are a bad choice
I believe you can bring me happiness,
thus
I ease your pain by supporting you financially
despite the fact that I am in deep shit
I stood by your side when the world despise you

However, I can never imagine you have denial all the good deeds I had done for you.
You claim that I am using money to thrash you,
You claim that my financial support is not a big deal.
You believe I did not spend much on you when I have been providing the capital for your food and transportation every month when you run out of cash.
You disappoint me further by surging on luxury and non-necessity items.

Am I a fool?
Am I being cheated?
Do I deserve to love someone who does not appreciate what I had done for you?

You no longer remember our anniversary
You no longer give me surprises
You no longer pamper me
You no longer share the pain with me

I am standing alone, facing the world.
I feel so lonely
The only question I want to know is; Do you still love me like you used to be?

Love Management

Falling in love can be a sweet experience, but maintaining a relationship seems like a totally different ball game.

How to define Love. Is it just a feeling? When 2 people form a relationship, is it enough just being happy being with each other? Or there are other factors like money plays a big role in managing a relationship?

I have been pondering about these questions over the weekend. Evaluating the relationship, Im sad to say I had no idea where are we heading to. 3 years of episodes, will the story leads to a happy ending?

Love is hard work. I don't know if all the efforts are worthwhile.

Can someone tell me how to deal with bitches!!!

I really hate working together with the bitches... working is like a living hell to me now... they are really damn bitches and I have no one to turn to... sighh..I really wonder how I can endure working in this bitchy company (the population of this company is made up of 90% bitch) for almost a year. Its time.. to change job.

One more week to go

My boy will be back next sat.. yupee!!! Im counting down.....

Master Aaron

I cant believe myself but I really did it. Went to visit Master Aaron. It was purely out of curiosity. I merely wanted to know my career for the coming year but perhaps I have asked too much. He had told me things which I do not wish to know..

Was quite pleased with his advise and felt more assured with myself. It is only a matter of how much I believe and was really surprise by how accurate he analysis me. I shall grade him 90% accurate...

I learn a lot about myself and what I should do to improve my well-being. Other than career, I have to take note of my health too.. and he warn me for I have the tendency to have migrane and I might be having low blood pressure. Overall.. I didn't regretted visiting him. At least I know I have to watch out for my health too.

Thoughts when my love is not around

Its been a few days since he had left for New Zealand. I can hardly sleep for the first two nights. Perhaps Im too used to his company. But now, I am back on track.

Kinda miss him yet envy him, for having the chance to go to New Zealand. I am still waiting for my turn to travel. Money is always the issue. sighhh Im a slave to money.

Anyway I will be seeing him again in approximately 2 weeks. Have a little mix feeling; I wanted to see him again so much, yet I know that I will have lesser time for my friends.

Therefore, one of the New Year Resolution is, I want to have a balance of full time work and personal life, Secondly, a balance of spending time with boyfriend and friends, Thirdly, a balance of self-improvement and idle around. Easy said than done.

fengshui for 2007

Once again.. Ive been MIA again... have been lazing around and spend my days day dreaming.. keke... seems like my life in 2007 should be a normal and peaceful one..

Have been hanging around with L quite frequently. Its always nice to hang out with old friends. Old friends are always the best. Seems like things are not going well for her and she is trying to do something to improve her luck. Well.. Im keen too.. who doesnt wish to improve one's luck. It was then I realised that she wanted to enage a fengshui master.

I decided to help her. So after checking with all my friends, finally got one lobang. However, this particular fengshui master whom is recommanded by my friend, G, doesnt seem like the kinda conventional master to me. According to G, he is specialise in fengshui, but he can offer other services like fortune telling, advise, and some other spiritual related services.

Sounds 'chim' to me.. not sure if this master can help me in anyway. So my friend G asked me what areas am I looking at, I just simply reply'Fa Da Cai' . haha.. who doesnt wish to be richer.. or am I too practical.. haha. I was reprimand by G, telling me his master is not a genie who can make my wish come true.

So I am not sure if I am really serious about enaging this master to help me, because utimately, its about faith. If I do not have any faith in this master, it will be pointmess for me to see him. I am still pondering if I should call the master or not.. time will tell.. keke. Perhaps, my luck in 2007 lies in his hands.

Soul Sculpture

I was watching a special programme on channel 8, featuring 'Soul sculpture' and I am truely inspired by him. He is now an advocate in oganic and enviromental issue and has lead a very simple yet meaningful life. What amazed me is how he gave up his 6 figure annual salary job to proceed to 'discover' life on earth. Travelled around the world to understand the world, and now despite of the peer pressure, he insisted that he no longer want to live the busy city life he used to lead.

It was the 1997, silkair plane crash that gave him a wake up call. Due to his job requirement, he had to travel alot via plane. Apparently, that incident had a strong impact on him. He wonder what if he was one of the passenger on that plane? He knew that he didnt want to die, for he had not live his life the fullest. In order to figure out the meaning of life, he quitted his job and went for travelling for 4 years. The experience had thought him many things about life other than money and material.

I feel that singaporean are too busy chasing after material and money is a measure of their success. What success really means? Does it really mean living in high-end appartment or drive luxury car? To me, I fell that they are simply too numb in the midst of chasing their 'success'; they have forgot how to enjoy simple happiness in life. Relationship and friendship grew apart and I really wonder if it worth it.

My colleague L is one of a very typical Singapore. I cant blame her because this is how our society shapes us. She always tells me how to get more money or how to climb the corporate ladder in the fastest way. I know she meant well, for I cant deny money is still the utimate and fundamental tool for basic survival, however, to me, I will still feel 'empty' even if I am on top of the ladder.

L once told me that I have plan fast, for it be too late for me to start all over again. She is now in her 30s and she told me that when she was my age, her salary is almost what she is getting now. In another words, I am such a loser for only getting half of what she used to have when shes my age.

Now I question myself; will I be satisfy with my life if I am a high-flyer? Well, life is not a race. I do not see why I must get myself involve in this 'ladder climbing' competition. To me, I may not be young, but I am still not too old to start all over again. So what if I always change job, and so what if I never stay long in a job, I believe I can only discover my passion this way and at the same time, to reinvent myself. I really don't mind getting a pay of junior level, as long as I realise what my passion is by the end of the day.

While some of my friends are busy with looking for rich boy-friends or too busy making money, I always wonder if I am a freck for I can never fit into their community. Maybe this is what makes me so different from the rest. I have plans and goals. I hope to achieve it, but by doing so, I do not have to follow the crowd and get myself conform to the structure and system registered in a typical sterotype Singaporean's culture and perception. While acheiveing my goals, I want to feel 'alive' at the same time. The sense of being or feeling 'alive' is something which money can never buy.

I have achieve a step to being 'alive' by enaging in voluntary work. I am not doing it very frequent but this is still my very first step. Of course, there will be more to come. Utimately, I hope I can get to travel the world, just like the guy featuring in 'soul sculpture', to understand the human race, our mother earth and of course to understand myself as a human being.

All about me (not sure how true it is)

Key Areas of your Personality

Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your High Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Control/ Predictability
Your High Empathy/ Sensitivity Level

Your Interaction Style:

You scored 55 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward towards other people and things - rather than inward. You don't mind being alone, but you feel most energized and inspired when you are around other people. Your mixed extroversion/ introversion tendency affects your learning style: For example, it is more effective for you to listen to a person explain something than it is for you to read about it on your own.
Social patterns: You are right-brained when it comes to interacting with people and recognizing emotions in other people.
What does this mean? Since there is a 'cross-over' in the human brain for visual information, it means that you tend to focus on the left side of a person's face when you want to figure out what they are thinking and feeling.
Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this right-left crossover rule. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to eavesdrop, it's likely that you would use your right ear instead of your left.

Im Being HAUNTED!!!!!

I know I know... its been ages since I last update my blog. Too many things happen.. Im not sure where I should start.

For the past few months.. Ive been haunted by a crazy woman.. only till last night, I finally break free from this mad woman.

All of a sudden I found peace and I hope this serenity will last forever.....

Sucky Mood

The depressing mood is back again. I don’t know why. Felt so jaded with life and once again, I felt like leaving this place again.

Recently, I have been hearing few stories from friends. I guess, these few stories have enough impact to make me feel depress and disappointed with life. Although I should consider lucky that these mishap did not happen to me, but I cant help feeling sorry and sad for my friends. I do not think they deserve to experience all the unhappiness.

Perhaps, these stories are too overwhelming for me to handle. I became very skeptical about life. I started to have all sorts of wild imagination of what is going to happen to me or how will I react if the same situation befall upon me.

I need a break again. Feel like traveling or staying somewhere far away again, This is what I did in the past;I had escaped problems for 3 years and now I felt like doing it again. Sounds like I am a loner who always escape from problems. I guess, I am always a loner. I have no one to turn to when I need support or help.Sometimes I felt that the burden I had is too much for me. Maybe, at least for now, I can turn to my boyfriend and a couple of loyal friends. This makes me cherish them even more.

As for now, I am looking for some peace. So I really hope that I do not need to hear the same old stories from my friends.

I wish

Ok.. I know life can never be perfect. But if I have the ability to change my life I would wish for :

1. Supermodel height
2. Perfect skin
3. $$$$ in my bank account
4. tai tai life
5. splurge $$$ like no body's business
6. rich and privilege
7. rich and loving bf ( I have a loving bf but not rich, well.. no one can be perfect)
8. able to travel around the world

I know its too shallow to wish for these but I believe I will be a happier person if I have all the above. I have to face the fact that geni in the bottle never exists. Back to work again

Dealing with the Quarterlife Crisis

Found this articular meaningful. Extract from MSN.

When high school pals Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner, now both 25, got together over lunch several years ago to catch up on their lives after college, they were both ready to tell some glowing stories about how well they were doing.
"At first, we both said we were having a great time," recalls Robbins, an English and American studies double major in college, now working in the Washington, D.C., bureau of the magazine The New Yorker. But before the conversation went much further, the fronts that twentysomethings often put up vanished. Both women admitted they were feeling unhappy, confused, and somewhat adrift.
"Then we started seeing that many of our friends were feeling the same way," Robbins says. "And there weren't really any resources to help us deal with what we were going through."
So Robbins and Wilner decided to create one themselves. The result, based on their own experiences and several hundred interviews with fellow twentysomethings who graduated from college in the past few years, is their book, Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties.
It goes without saying that when you interview more than 200 of your peers, you learn a few things you'd like to pass along to others. For Robbins and Wilner, their book and its accompanying Web site are vehicles for doing just that. They also welcomed the opportunity to offer career and personal advice here--particularly for those in the middle of a confusing, demoralizing quarterlife crisis.
Here are a few of Robbins and Wilner's recommendations:

Don't have a career plan? Don't worryYou don't need to freak out if you have no idea what you want to do with your life, stresses Wilner, a Web administrator in Washington, D.C., who majored in psychology in college. "I temped and got a taste of various fields and companies out there before I settled into my first permanent job," she says. "So don't let those external pressures get to you, don't think that all those people with plans have everything figured out, and don't think of it all as some kind of race and that other people are ahead of you. We all backtrack at some point as we make shifts in our plans. That's just the way it is."
Separate a job's meaning from its trappings"Forget about how much money a job will pay you, forget about societal prestige, and forget about what your parents and friends think about your job," says Robbins. "You have to figure out what's meaningful to you in your career, and what will warm your heart and make you want to jump out of bed each morning."
Robbins knows what she's talking about. Three weeks after she graduated from Yale University, she took the first job offer she got after being "completely seduced by the trappings. The pay was wonderful, I liked the people, I had my own office with a door, and my commute was only 15 minutes."
There was only one problem: "The work sucked," she deadpans.
She lasted for eight months but was miserable the whole time. Don't make the same mistake, she stresses.
Scared, lost, or clueless about your career? You're normalMaybe you're questioning yourself and your place in this world more than ever. Maybe you're barraging yourself with intense self-interrogation, as Robbins puts it. Maybe you're filled with anxiety and fear. And maybe you believe you're the only twentysomething who feels so confused.
You're not, Wilner emphasizes.
"One thing I honestly wish is that I had done the research for this book even earlier, because that in itself helped me tremendously," she says. "Listening to everyone's experiences, anxieties, thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams…so much like my own. Who knew?"
It took Robbins and Wilner hundreds of hours and conversations with their peers to learn that they--and their peers--were normal. You are too.
"If I had known back then what I know now, I wouldn't have beaten myself to a mental pulp so frequently," Robbins says. So neither should you.

Road to Happiness

2 of my colleagues are getting married!!! Thats so envy. One of them had a webpage full of their wedding photos and details. Seeing them glow with happiness, Im happy for them too.

I never thought wedding is a romantic event. Perhaps Im not a romantic person. Lots of my galfriends have lots of fantasy of how their wedding day or wedding gown is going to be like, but for me, wedding is a chore.

My perception of wedding changed when I worked in Riz Carlton as a banquet waitress. Having witness countless of wedding event, I began to have my own vision of how my wedding is going to be like. Thats when I understand why my galfriends have such fantasy. Those wedding dinners Ive seen are always so romantic and touching. It makes me wanna cry especially the touching scene of couples thanking their parents.

It is not an easy process to tied a knot. Relationship fails when they cannot overcome obstacle or temptation in reality. In life, relationship fails one after another, Mr or Ms right may hard to come by. No one can define how Mr/Ms right is going to be. Only you can define yourself. For some unlucky ones, the right one never come by, they can only choose the second best available. Thus, I conclude that finding the right one to settle down is like searching a tiny, un-noticable needle in the midst of the ocean (quoted from chinese idom). Thats life. It is that sweet yet bitter.

Watching couples walking down the alse hand in hand, making vow in front of all love ones, I knew for sure thats the very moment for them. Their partners may/may not be the right one, for no one is perfect, but nonetheless, its going to be the most memorable event in their life time.


As a gal, I dream of a romantic wedding held at a beach or garden with my Mr right. Will my dream come true?

Thoughts

Was watching Project Runway last night. I always love fashion, so Im trying hard not to miss a single episope especially I had night class on that day. And for some reason, yesterday's episope had leave an impact on me.

What was special about the episope was that the designers have to work in a group of 3. This is when you can see either they will work hand in hand or to kill each other. My all time favour Daniel Franco was evicted for being too 'safe'. I have to confess that hes lack of creativity but what I admire most is his attitude towards his work and the competition.

He dare to admit his mistake and he left the competition with grace and dignity. How many contestants can have such charisma??

Sometimes by looking at him, I felt that I could relate to him in certain way. Still remember when I was in Australia studying architecture, I really had a hard time pleasing my tutors. I always thought I am creative. Friends do compliment that I dare to dress differently and creatively. Perhaps the environment over there had proved me wrong.

My tutors always tell me that my design is 'safe'. Just like what the judges commented on Daniel. I couldnt say I do not have the passion to design, maybe my passion is not strong enough, maybe Im not talented, maybe, maybe..... till now, I still couldnt figure out what had gone wrong.

In the end, I chose to give up. I always tell myself the environment kills my passion. Well,thats just an excuse im giving myself just to get away with it. Deep down, I know that Im just lacking of exposure and knowledge in my field.

When I read the biography of all the contestants, I realised that not only they had the passion and skill, but one thing in common about them is that they have years of experience and exposure. With these factors, it helps to inspire their design and at the same time, it helps them to move so far.

As for Daniel, I wouldnt say he is not talented. He was away from fashion industry for 5 years just to help out in family business. I figure that may be the reason why he got kicked out so soon for not being in touch in fashion world for so long.

As for me, Im still not sure if designing is my main passion. I know where my problem lies. Not sure if I will ever wanting to continue what I used to give up. A few of my close friends told me that I will strive if I proceed to design clothes instead of building. Are they right about this? Im not sure, coz I still don't know myself.

I really regretted meeting K last night. I should have meet up with Linda instead. K and I havent met up for ages. The last time we met up was during the chinese new year. So I decided that maybe its time to catch up with each other.

Unforunately, my hp was down. Lucky I still have a cent coin left to make call to K, telling him my exact location. He made me waited for half an hour. I cant believe a guy can make a girl wait for so long. When he turn up, he seem troubled.

K : I feel so bad to leave my customer halfway.
Me : Customer? What job are you doing? I thought u r a cameraman?
K : Oh.. its some kinda job recruitment. Anyway should we go to Raffles Place to have dinner?
Me : What?!? Thought we had agreed to have dinner at City Hall. Besides, theres nothing much to eat at Raffles Place.
K : Oh come on.. Im really worry about my customer

So I gave in. So the 2 customer was on his mind all the while. I thought we are suppose to have a good time catching up with each other rather than toking about work.

He recommand that the sting ray at a particular store is fantastic. Im eager to try. When we settled down and order our dinner, his friend suddenly called saying she wanted to join in while waiting for her friend. I feel odd. Why would his friend wanted to join in just like that? I never question him. His friend, V came and she turn out to be very friendly. We chatted about our life and work. Everything goes on fine when suddenly she brought up a topic.

V : Oh.. So you used to be an insurance agent. Its a tough job and their system don't seem to work anymore. Have you heard of any MLM (Multi level marketing)

Oh no... I knew something wasnt right

Me : Ya I heard of that
V : So whats your opinion? Are your positive or negative about it?
Me : Im neutral
V : Then have you heard of SLM ( Single level marketing)
Me : No. Never

The conversation starts to revolve around this topic. Straight away, I knew the purpose of this meeting. K didnt genuine ask me out to find out more about my life but rather he had agenda in his mind. Shortly after, V left. I try to test K to see what is on his mind.

Me : So what are we going to do after the dinner?
K : I don't know. But I want to go back to my company. I don't feel at ease leaving my customer to my friend althought my friend said they are in good hands.
Me : (Disappointed)Oh... so you better go back and have a look just in case.. you know..
K : Ya. Then how about you? why don't you come to my office and have a look.
Me : (Im not that dumb to fall into your trap) No thanks besides I need to rest early.

We parted. Im feeling so shitty afterwards. I wonder if I would still wanna meet up with him again. His mind is all about his business and wanting to bring me into the business. His friend V was there for a purpose as well. The whole thing is a plot. Gosh!!